Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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