whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
