I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Acid is not a monday night drug
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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