do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
