Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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