I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
