he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize