I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
