i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
