All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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