420 ftw
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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