Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
