I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
