He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
