Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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