You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
