Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
