Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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