She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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