Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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