What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
