I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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