i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As shirtless as possible
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think my moral compass just broke
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
