My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
