What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
