fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize