he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
