the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
