im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
As shirtless as possible
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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