When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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