The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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