A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
