i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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