what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They took my balls.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
