I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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