seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
