i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
