I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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