thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
