I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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