life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
