Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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