its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
