I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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