Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
