Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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