today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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