She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
