I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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