So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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