my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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