I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
