Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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