he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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