Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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