The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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