Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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