oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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