Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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