were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
smell my finger.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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