she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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